Job description for being a Parent


I have noticed that a few of my friends have recently become parents and when I came across the job description for being a parent (too late in my case and I have lost the receipts) and I thought I had to share it.

Unfortunately it seems to be too accurate for my liking so far, which leaves me dreading the bits I have not experienced yet, according to the description.

Soi without further ado I give you.......the Job Description for a Parent!


Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment.

Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!

Travel expenses not reimbursed.

Extensive courier duties also required.

The rest of your life.

Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.


Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

None required unfortunately.

On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

Get this! You pay them!

Offering frequent raises and bonuses.

A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left.

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, letting them know they are appreciated for the fabulous job they do... or forward with love to anyone thinking of applying for the job.

In October, go to W5 you will!


Last year I dragged my family along to W5 to visit a place Long ago in a galaxy far, far away............

And it is that time again. Yup, Emerald Garrison (Invasion Belfast) are creating another Imperial outpost in the Titanic Quarter. And I can not wait. You can check them out on Facebook too.

The stormtroopers will descend upon Belfast on Saturday 2 October and Sunday 3 October and highly recommend a visit.

Last year I got to meet the real Darth Vader (David Prowse) who, for those old enough to remember, was also the Green Cross Code man.  He was a wonderful man, very friendly and easy to get on with.  I also got to meet Kenny Baker (R2-D2) and Jeremy Bulloch (Boba Fett) who were real stars as well.  The whole set up was absolutely amazing and a great day out. 

I also think my wife may have hired Boba Fett to hunt me down so she could claim the life insurance last year. 

If you can get, go.  You will not regret it at all.  If you can't then your lack of faith is disturbing.

This year sees the man who Tunes took the mickey out off attending the event.  Richard LeParmentier (Admiral Motti) was the man who made Darth Vader utter those immortal words before having a go at 'squishing his head'.  Pity Admiral Motti forgot about that shoddy workmanship that left a little exhaust shaft open.  He should have phoned 'On your behalf'.

This is the Star Wars event you are looking for!

David Prowse, the gentle Sith. Lord.

Bonfire of the quangos


It has been reported that the UK government will be breaking out their supply of Sunny Jim and scrunching up the newspaper in order to heat the house by burning up 177 quangos.

Quangos or Non Departmental Public Bodies (NDPBs) are government funded organisations that operate as if they were independent of Government and are able, as much as possible, to spend their budget they see fit.

A number of  proposed quangos still have their fate to be decided such as  BBC World Service, the British Council and the Environment Agency.

Whilst these quangos are mostly England and Wales based, some, such as the British Council, employ people in Northern Ireland.  It looks like jobs will go and that could mean people in Northern Ireland as well.

It may also have some effect on how our own remaining quangos fair under potential restructuring to save money.  The Public Appointments 2008-2009 Report  detailed that as at 31 March 2009, there were some 1634 public appointments to 111 bodies in Northern Ireland.  The recent(ish) Review of Public Administration has been used to cull a few NDPBs here is there room for more to go? How will that affect people overall?  Do people even know what a lot of these NDPBs do?  Are they essential? Can their functions be brought fully 'in-house'? How much is spent on quangos that could be re-invested elsewhere?

I am not advocating either leaving them alone or cutting them all.  Improvements can always be found in how organisations operate and function.  In this particular time with the Conservative/Lib Dem coalition going for a slash and burn approach will this provide an encouragement for the NI Executive to really examine the NDPBs in Northern Ireland and see where cuts can be made?


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